Let me just start this by telling you all that dishonesty disgusts me. I would rather hear an ugly truth (whatever that may be) than being deceived to and especially only to find out later on. Seriously and insanely unthinkable. It could be shocking for so many reasons but I have realized the reason for myself is mainly because I would like to think that I am honest and I probably expect the same thing from others. I am in a learning process of not expecting anything from others though. You do not have to change the way you are because certain people behaved in a certain way towards you. That is when you will actually change your true self and really, nothing worse than that, at least to me. Whoever wronged you wins while you lose!
Not in the literal way.
However, making sure that you do not indulge yourself in the competition world is something I would like to touch on. Things should not be me VS them, but rather me VS yesterday’s me and the day before and so on. I am emphasizing on this hard fact a young Aries Queen (Me, Duh) faced, as I had always been a highly competitive student where I studied my butt off to always be the first prize winner of my class. Though competition helped me to better my school performance and overall outcome, I think I was in some ways challenged to understand that life is not about winning battles but to always find the courage to do better in every aspect of your life.
Also, as long as you are alive, you will encounter different people in different areas of your lives. Thus, when dealing with them (whether it be family or friends), please understand that people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. The type of energy they show towards is you the same way the feel about themselves. It is a hard pill to swallow but very undeniable. Therefore, the best thing you can ever do for yourself and others is to continue know you! It is a process, hence it does not have to stop. This resonates with one of Oprah Winfrey’s inspirational sayings, “As you become more clear about who you really are, you will be better able to decide what is best for you– the first time around”.
The better one knows thyself, the better their ability to set boundaries and eventually be best in serving of others. It does not matter whether you are seeing the world in a more spiritual sense or not, but I absolutely believe that God created us for a reason and every single human creature has a purpose to fulfill while alive. However, no one will truly be able to carry out whatever is meaningful to them in the best way possible, if they do not know themselves very well.
Let me tell you somethings about me that you may or may not know already. People that know me know very well know that I am an open book. Though in very rare of my life circumstances I changed and reserved my self from staying open with people and used that as a defence mechanism. I overcame the challenge and I instead chose to staying true to myself- which encouraged me to be more vulnerable than ever.
You can tell I am a story teller lol. I talked about many different things to take you all back to Valentines last year. LOL!
MAN! IT WAS unexpectedly HARISH! ( Insert a crying emoji) .
Looking back now though, it is funny how things that broke us the most make us stronger. Yes! In Kelly Clarkson’s voice, “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. Sing it with me out loud!
My relationship of three years and I think almost a year of friendship prior to when we started dating was coming into an end. I could not believe that I was facing things I only used to hear of. By the way, I am the type of person that would literally break down when I hear of others breaking up, let alone facing it myself. So, you can only imagine how badly I was affected by it. I remember paying attention to the “red flags” I used to notice and talking to myself if it was just in my thoughts. I also remember being very open about my feelings and emotions and how certain behaviours and actions used to make me feel. Less often than not, I felt heard and cared of but the rest of the story is shocking ya all.
Not disregarding the positive aspects of the relationship because I actually enjoyed every bit of it to the maximum! I do not have any regrets. Not to mention the times he stood up with me when I had health issues. He literally used to clean after my throw ups. Lol, sorry if that grosses you out. I was and am still thankful for that. As a matter of fact, I have gained a lot of life lessons that I think I would never have had learnt otherwise. Life lessons that is applicable in my daily basis now- can it get better than this?
But, the problem comes when I REALIZED that that there were very toxic behaviours and actions that kept me emotionally abused for a long period of time. I cannot believe I was that strong to resist abuse and at times chose to not see it that way because I honestly cared and loved. Saron, you are beyond amazing and I applaud you for that, strong girl. Keep it up. Dishonesty is for the weak but also maybe because they lack a sense of love and belongingness. They do not have a choice but to persistently be a parasite of new energy, love and care.
Towards the third year of the relationship, there were continous dishonesty, lies, and toxicity, emotional threats from his end side that made me question several things about myself.
Inspired by one of the most influential Poets of all the time, Maya Angelou, “In order to be profoundly dishonest, a person must have one of two qualities; either he is unscrupulously ambitious, or he is unswervingly egocentric”. And boy! Did I not see the on-going narcissistic personality in three years of relationship? I would be lying if I tell you no.
Also, in the words of the amazing African American Poet, Dr. Maya Angelou, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you”. In order to fully understand what this specific phrase meant to her, I highly advice you to either read her biography or watch her documentary series on Netflix. Moreover, to me personally the importance of putting my story out there not only makes me entirely alive as I hope other young girls to make use of it but also helps me to always manifest in the power of vulnerability. It does wonders! Telling this story is very sacred to me but like I said, it is also part of me and my diary that I said I transformed in to a platform. Therefore, though the healing process still continues, I am at a stage where I am very comfortable sharing it with the world.
Alright back to the story. To your surprise, we never had huge arguments or issues through out the relationship but things easily changed after April 2018. Lol, why am I specific? LOL.
It was that time where I accidentally met a girl whom I found out that Snit, my dearest cousin and best friend shared moments of her life with. What a small world! I was shocked, shaken and could not wait to tell Snit about it. Though she was battling cancer at that time, she was able to recall her to some extent. But, I remember being very excited and felt happy because I honestly met someone that Snit knew. I made the girl reconnect with some of her old friends from back home because I knew them through Snit. Not to mention how we vibed and the fact that we had similar collective childhood experiences, interests, and goals, made everything flow very naturally. Do not get me wrong, I knew by that time that the same girl was my then boyfriend’s ex, but I honestly felt nothing but connected to her the same way I would with my old friends. Therefore, I just could not avoid any of that. In fact, I told her the very first time I met her that I was her ex’s current. LOL! Yeah, honesty is the ultimate key.
I remember her exact reply, “He is actually a great guy, as long as you are good I am happy for you and I have actually moved on and me and him are actually cool”. I felt relieved in knowing that she also was okay with me and her becoming friends regardless.
And of course I told him of what happened and I was very appreciative of her for being mature and kind to me and him.
However, things gradually changed as he started brining so many excuses not to hang out in public where he said he was afraid of awkward moments if he ran in to her. I would then say to him, “I am not bringing her with me, but rather ask him to tell me what was truly bothering him if we happen to bump in to her”, especially considering the small habesha community in town, running into one another was very unavoidable. I would kindly explain to him why me and her are friends and also explain to him that Snit means a lot to me and the fact that God brought the girl in my life in the times where I was losing my best friend was something I always stood and fought for.
He claimed to never understand where I was coming from but I was a fighter. I told myself, “I love my best friend, the girl I met and him and so I will ask God to continue give me the strength to keep both all in my circle”.
Only to find out few months after me and him broke up and that was after our trip together to Eritrea where he met my family for the second time, that he was actually continuously entertaining his ex and God knows what else to what I witnessed.
I did not sleep straight for two days when I found out the truth. I could not believe that the guy who always claimed his innocence sabotaged me for staying friends with his ex.
However, I found an answer as to why he was always insecure and not confident. Moreover, as I reflected back on the times I never understood his level of insecurity, I cannot believe that I was actually insisting on letting him know that I was entirely okay with him going and talking to her if he lacked a sense of closure from his past relationship. I was super supportive because the reasons why they broke up differed multiples times and I was trying to figure out why.
- Prior to us dating- what he told me was that “she was the life of party and since I was busy with my school and work, I could not keep up with her and so she broke up with me”.
Considering that this was during our first “honey moon” phase of our relationship, I felt so bad that he went through that and unintentionally, I was trying to prove that I was not that the kind of girl who would break up with her man because of the same reasons. I am realizing this after the break up obviously. Love is blind lol. It makes you do and see things differently I think… at least then I guess.
2. I cannot recall the exact time when but another reason why they broke up was different as he told me that he just never took the relationship serious because the girl’s origin was not fully Eritrean.
Sure enough, that may have been a good reason for him and who am I to oppose? But, I definitely told him that my perspective in that matter was different and that I did not necessarily agree with fact that people breaking up for not being from the exact origin. I believe in a human race and as long as I can connect to someone in Christ- that was what mattered to me the most.
3. Another third reason he gave me at a different times was “We both kinda saw it not going anything further, and so we called it off”.
4. Fourth reason was- “She became disinterested like texting back late and so I made her do it!” I was wowed and saw the childishness in him. The times he spoke not so highly of her, I would defend her and tell him you do not have to be saying those things because she is your ex. I would tell him, “I am very sure that you will be talking like this about me as well if we end up breaking up”. I would also tell him that, that was not necessary but he would be angry and proceed to ask me why I was defending her and being on her side. And, I would tell him because I am a girl and that it also affected me even though she was my current’s ex. There were times where he actually asked me the nature of relationship I had with her. He never understood my weirdness, nor my reasons for being supportive of other women and of course my intolerance of his criticism towards her.
Realizing all the ups and downs we had and especially in our third year of relationship, I can see now how relationship to him was basically an ownership. Sure enough, he was submissive at the times he tried to communicate with me but that made my bluntness and boldness to be viewed as insanely someone who do not care of others’ emotions. I was judged of being angry because I was super expressive.
Very ironic how my sense of vulnerability was also seen as a total weakness.
Yeah, you might be wondering why I kept up with these kind of immaturity as I also wondered and still sometimes do.
But, I think that at times I did not know better. When I also thought I knew better, I was being dragged on through different excuses such threatening me to hurt himself if I ended the relationship. There was a time where I had to send one of his family members to check on and keep an eye on him as I honestly was terrified of the outcome where I would have been the reason for.
Moreover, the time I thought I was ready to end the relationship was actually when we got back from Eritrea, because I honestly felt like I was not treated the way I deserved to be.
However, I was fighting with my own thoughts saying that love actually never ends, as I always try to look up to the creator. If God sent his only son Jesus Christ, to the world to rescue his beloved children, and if Jesus Christ did the ultimate sacrifice to a point where he died in Cross for my sins. I told myself who am I to not forgive whatever my ex may have done me. This was prior to finding out about his immoral actions of non-stop flirt with his ex, with the girl I once called “old Snit”.
On my flight back to Canada, I remember listing the negative and positive aspects of him and specified reasons as to why I wanted it to end. But, I always felt guilty to initiate the break up because I thought becoming friends with his ex was the only reason I thought that made him change his love and respect towards me.
However, I was wrong. Love does not actually end regardless.
I felt both of us were kinda on the same boat of wanting to end it for good but things were very awkward after we got back from home. I was such a COMMUNICATOR with the things that bothered me while he was very careless, immature, and hurtful.
The time I also broke up with him over the text because he continuously ignored me. He then asked me if he could actually take “break” to process the things that I said was bothering me. My heart wanted to end it but I was not ready for closure and also I remembered the times where I asked for break and he never gave it to me because things were apparently supposed to be solved by the two of us and not just me or him alone.
I was not going to be selfish and play the same thing he did a while back, because that would have made the two of us. So, I gave him the time to take “break” from the relationship and made it a fair deal.
After the break, Valentines eve was the day he hinted that he actually wanted to call it off and that was mainly after I triggered him with conversation as I felt the need to call it off too but I was in denial of losing of someone I thought was my best friend for a long time.
We kinda were here and there for almost two weeks after that and then I received a long ass text as I was sitting on my usual study corner that said he wanted to break up. It is so funny how I was actually sitting in the same spot when he actually came in person to ask me to be his girlfriend. LOL! It was not meant to be…. clearly lol.
I was taking 5 courses while working four times of the week, and dealing with the break up was probably one of the worst times of my life. More importantly though, I was hurt because he brought no reasons as to why and entirely made me feel like I was the one who made him want to end it because I chose to stay friends with his ex. My whole world was shattered and did not want to believe the person I completely trusted and loved was actually turning in to literally a merciless and very egoistic human being where he showed that he actually DID NOT CARE. It was not even about the break up but the way he chose to end things was unquestionably miserable. But it is okay, because that just shows he would as well hurt and abandon himself for no good reason. In fact, it shows me that he actually battles somethings within himself, and that he has things to work on. I did not know but God did. That is why he knew that he was not for me. I now can crystal clear see what God saw when I did not.
I was obviously very HURT and doubted myself for sometime. There were times where I weeped and asked God to wake me up from the nightmare. There were days where my heart actually hurt physically and I would then put my Bible on my heart and the power of the holy spirit would automatically and magically make me feel better. God is great! He knows what is best for us. Although things did not make sense at that time, I am finally able to connect the dots and understand why things ended the way they did.
Eventually, with my willingness to accept the reality, my family and circle of friends helped me over come one of the most difficult times of my life. The best part of surrounding myself with my incredible family and friends particularly then made me realize the importance of choosing your circle. Not that I never valued and appreciated them before, but I became fully aware in the significance of building a community for many other great causes. I also now can see how my understandings of community helps me relate with the field of Social Work which I am studying. HOORAY! I am actually currently enrolled in a course of “Social Work with Communities” and I most of the time have “aha” moments as I read and reflect on things.
Also, I just recently heard that my ex just got married with someone who he introduced me to be his “family” during our trip to Eritrea. As soon as I got back here, my old friends from back home warned me numerous times how I needed to be careful as they said they saw him hanging out with this specific girl. However, my naive self shouted at them back for having that type of mentality. I was angry because I also would encourage him to hang out as much as he wanted to with whoever he wanted, let alone with a “family”. Because, I fully trusted him and I always was supportive of him doing whatever he liked. I told my friends “thanks for letting me know” and I also appreciated their concern but I cut one person off because he was persistently trying to tell me something that I absolutely had no idea of. To your surprise, I even told him what my friends thought of his “hang out with his family” and we actually laughed about it.
I was shocked of the news I heard and not really at the same time because that is what Narcissism actually does and I had always suspected that he was extremely egoistic. Little did I knew!
According to studies, “individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are as condescending, feeling superior to others, preoccupied with themselves and with admiration and exhibiting a marked level of empathy, often most apparent in their sexuality, which is based on purely physical pleasure rather than combined with emotional intimacy”( Campbell & Miller, 2011, p.5).
Although I cannot really diagnose him with a Narcissism Personality Disorder, I can definitely integrate my relationship experience of how he very much lacked empathy towards me. A man of “integrity” and especially who I thought had some sort of connection with the Creator decided to intentionally HURT me. Clearly, I was blinded. I chose to see the good in him for a long time because that is how my parents raised me up to be. Thank you my beloved PARENTS FOR RAISING ME TO ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE! I OWE IT ALL TO THEM.
All this long real story I endured is not to expose people that may have wronged me, because regardless of what he did, I actually tried my best to stay civil and diplomat because life is too short to hold on to GRUDGES. However, I want to point out that this actually happens and I want young girls to come across my story and learn something out of it.
While at it, I want to pinpoint on the importance of always standing on your own grounds. Because, I remember him telling his parents about me and of our relationship within first week of dating which I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT LIKE. We argued over it multiple times because I did not have a “say” in that matter and of course because I was not ready to share it with my beloved family. I was afraid that my dad would actually hear it from his dad because they to this day are actually cool friends. LOL.
However, when we encountered issues and at times when I felt the need to step back from the relationship, he would say, “Oh, the fact that I told my parents about you shows that I am truly committed to loving you for the rest of my life” and he would use my mom’s name LILY to promise me that he would never wrong me or let me go. And, I would tell him, “you do not have to promise me to keep your words, we just always have to put God in the centre of our relationship so that we always look up to him, so that we become strong to over come whatever challenge life was going to bring”. I would tell him, “I love you, but God’s decision is the best and so if we ever break up, it will be for a good reason”. I never saw it then but he absolutely did not like that and instead he would tell me that he would never be able to find someone like me which I did not encourage him to continue say so.
Anyway, I want you girls especially to be honest to your yourselves because I think I at some point was not, even from the beginning of the relationship. Yes I enjoyed his company, and how he made me feel comfortable as a friend, but I had little doubt from saying yes to pursuing him more than a friend, even if the percentage was 0.00000000000000001. For the sake of transparency, although nothing serious, I was “seeing/hanging out” with another guy when my ex was just my friend. And, me and the other guy I think called it off three months before my ex asked me be his girlfriend. Like, I mentioned earlier I had some voices in me that told me to wait, and I know now that it was actually my GUTS and of course God’s voice. Two main reasons why I had a slight doubt to say yes was:
- I just wanted to be by myself and focus on my school and family.
- While in the friendship season, me and him never really talked about our spiritual understanding and how that was applicable on a daily basis. Thus, I was scared that we were not on the same page and I knew if we did not have a strong relationship with God, that the relationship would not have the best ending. I was a regular church goer and remembering the first phase of our relationship, I now realize how he was trying to show me that he also was into church and stuff by sending me his childhood certificate from Sunday school and I would find it super cute. LOL . I could not be judgemental of others because I do not see them going to church on a daily basis, because as much as it is important for one to attend at least Sunday Mass ( if possible, at least from my perspective- By the way I am guilty of not attending Sunday Mass on a regular basis now), building connection with God was what I valued the most which I thought he had.
Besides from being interested in him after knowing him as friend , let me confess to you all that I also was in that “YOLO” mentality where I had a different level of a whole courage to take a risk and see where that will take me. And, aside from the negative aspect of the relationship, I won’t lie to you. I actually had some of the best times of my life. That is life.
Additionally, following the words of the revolutionary Bob Marley, “being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that it is so real that scares you”. I very much resonate with this. With my slightest doubt IN MY MIND, I agreed to dating him too. Regardless, if things dot not end up the way you thought it would, clap your hands that you were courageous enough to give it a try.
And if you get hurt, with in time, you will accept the reality, learn from your own mistakes, forgive, heal, and love yourselves more. Or, another take away message from here is to be able to TRUST our own INTUITION, energy does not lie. It is not always that we have to be HURT in order for us to know better and decide what is best for us. It is okay to say no. It is okay to choose yourself more than any body else.
Moreover, I gained this perspective because I deliberately took my time to work on myself. 2019 taught me to always have FAITH IN THE LORD even at the times that seems impossible to trust him. Also, life lessons about STRENGTH, POWER OF VULNERABILITY, STAYING HONEST, SAYING NO, VALUING MY CIRCLE MORE, FORGIVENESS, and LOVE were all what I learnt.